Welcome to my life.

I have a strong desire to achieve something in my life, but I do nothing to make it happen. And I hate it so much.

I was always taught to stick to a particular pattern in my life. An every day routine which prevents you from thinking too much. That's actually pretty easy and safe path, but it also makes you a completely average person. You can't achieve something if you only follow these rules and if you're not taking any risks in life. Now I know it.

As a child I was just as everyone else, I didn't really care about things or future and I was happy with my life back then. I used to draw and I was kinda creative, I even dreamed about writing my own book. I thought it would be amazing if anyone else would like to read it and I wanted to see my books on the shelves in the bookshop.

I knew it would be hard and long way to achieve it, but I also knew it was possible. And even though I knew it and I was so dedicated to a world full of magic and fantasy, even though I tried many times to accomplish it, I never managed to create my own book. After some time I stopped thinking about it, I gave up on that idea, I also stopped drawing.

I changed completely. My creative and artistic side was gone. I didn't need it anymore and I'm still wondering what had happened that I lost such big and important part of my life.

Now I'm just filled with different, negative emotions. I envy others, I'm jealous that they managed to achieve something I didn't. Sometimes I just sit and wish I could be someone else. I wonder if I'm just the way I was supposed to be from the very beginning or if it's my fault that I never reached out for more. I guess I'm the only one in control of my life and I should've done more.

I always had problems with taking the little steps and being patient while waiting for the results. Instead of doing it, I would simply give up. Following the same pattern throughout my whole life was the easiest way to live. But I'm so upset, I'm so unsatisfied with myself right now that I know I need to change something. I want to find things that will make me happy again and it's probably now or never.

And that's why I'm writing this.

J.